That Which Remains Unspoken

I recently learned that an old friend had died.  His death came upon me like a phone call in the night, unexpected and emotionally jarring.  I found myself reminiscing about the times we had spent together.  

Over twenty years have passed since I last saw him.  And yet, in my mind's eye, I can see him as if it were yesterday. He is wearing a leather jacket, a broad smile stretching across his handsome face.

I remember the way my heart flipped when I saw him, and the voice in my head that said, "Give it up, Leah.  He will never be interested in you." 

I thought I would never see him again.

But, Fate had other designs...

It turned out he was interested in me.  We had a brief, passionate romance that ended in heartache.

I soon discovered that his interest in me was merely superficial.  He enjoyed visiting, but became less interested when he saw the emotional baggage I was toting.  To use street vernacular: he was a Play-ah.

Though I was distraught, our parting seemed to mean very little him.  I walked away feeling less of who I knew myself to be.  I felt...pathetic, desperate, ashamed of the way I acted around him.

So, why, over twenty years later, do I feel bereft at his passing?  Perhaps it is because I never told him how much he meant to me...just as he was.  Sure, he was a Ladies Man, and I just another notch in his bedpost, but he made me feel...audacious and desired.  He was a charmer who possessed the rare quality of being able to make every person he spoke with feel special.

I wish there was some way to tell him how sorry I am sorry that he had to suffer.  I wish I could tell him how much he meant to me, how I used him as a yardstick to measure every man that came after him.

I wish, too, that I could tell him how much his philandering broke my heart.  I wish I could let him take a peek at my days gone by - let him see how many tears I wept over him - how many times I wished that he would make some grand gesture to prove to me that he truly loved me...just as I was.

In the end, I realize that things happened the way they did for a reason.  He lived a full, vibrant life and loved many women after meeting me.

I married a loyal, honest man who says he loves me despite my many flaws (verbosity and over-analyzing being at the top of the list).  We have been blessed with two beautiful children.  Could I hope for more?

The loss of my ex-lover has taught me to accept things as they are and not as I once wished them to be.  I am learning to accept the notion of loss, and that some things, though powerful and true, must remain unspoken.

Sometimes, when the house is quiet and I am alone with my thoughts, I wonder if my memories of him aren't just highly-embellished illusions, conjured to ease my lonliness and quell my feelings of self-loathing.

It is during these times that I remind myself that I have been blessed with a life far greater than I ever imagined.  And these reminders help to ease my regrets...


Jennifer K. said...
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Jennifer K. said...

I have been a fan of your other blog for months now. I am so glad to have found this blog. You are an amazing writer. You somehow manage to capture feelings that many people could identify with. I know exactly what you are talking about in this post. I recently lost my husband. Each time I relive the past it seems better than it actually was. I am sorry someone broke your heart but am glad you have someone who loves you.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you have considered the path not taken and that's normal. What if is a question many ask themselves.

P. Thorpe said...

"Highly embellished illusions" perfect wording for a past lover who chose another for his wife. The fact that he is divorced and lonely brings me some joy and you, LMB, would be interested to know his ex is the sister of one of the New Kids on The Block. I digress....per usual. Love how you captured my thoughts in your words!

Wine and Cork said...

I do find that I tend to embellish things when reminiscing about things gone by...I tell myself to try and enjoy every moment given to me, because who knows what can happen tomorrow...I am sorry for your loss, and I hope that he knows, wherever he is now, how much you cared for him.

Leah Marie Brown said...

Jennifer ~ I am very sorry to learn of your loss and pray you have many around you who offer you comfort and love.

I always enjoy your comments. Thank you for being a faithful reader.


Leah Marie Brown said...

"What if" is a question I often ask myself. It's a futile mental loop though, because one can never truly go back. It reminds me of that movie Sliding Doors.

Leah Marie Brown said...

P ~ Thank you for your comment on my blog. It's nice to know someone out there gets what I've been through-am going through. Hugs.

Leah Marie Brown said...

I hope so, too, Fanny.

Thanks for always being my most faithful follower.

Je t'aime.

ImportanttoMadeleine said...

Very touching and, perhaps, universal story. It feels risky to tell someone how you feel, but better than being left with regret.

Leah Marie Brown said...

Dear Madeleine ~

Thank you for reading my blog and leaving a comment. I appreciate it.